The Tee Off!

 

When John Baker and David McGachen decide to take a weekend vacation from their duties at Ashley-Maureen Cosmetics, they send their wives to New York to shop, and they head for the Oakfield Country Club for two days of uninterrupted golfing. The happily married men have absolutely no hanky-panky planned. All they want to do is golf till they drop, and return to their respective beds for a sound nights sleep. Everything is going wonderfully until they meet D.L. Hutchinson.

 

                                                                                   The Sand Trap!
 

D.L. is the woman recently hired as their new C.E.O. Surprised to find their new boss at the Country Club, John and David are even more surprised when she tells them she cannot tolerate men who “go golfing on weekends without their wives, and that no one like that will ever work for her.” To make matters worse, she then invites them and their wives for dinner that evening, and won’t take no for an answer.

 

                                                                                            Fore!
 

SO…John and David must either find two convincing “wives” by dinnertime, or they can start updating their resumes. John solves the problem of his wife, by bribing the club’s sexy receptionist, Tina, to pretend to be his wife. The problem is much more difficult for David. The only other female around is Mrs. Carlson, the club manager, who is far too straight laced to even approach. SO…David’s only other alternative is John. Equipped with dress and wig from the club’s gift shop, John now alternates between being himself and David’s wife.

 

                                                                               The Penalty Strokes!

 

 

Tina, offered a glass of champagne to calm her nerves doesn’t seem to be able to resist a few extra glasses.

 

Wilson, the hypochondriac bellman and an inveterate snoop with an up-turned palm, believes that something is going on between David and John, (Which of course it isn’t.), but can’t quite pin it down.

 

Mrs. Carlson, a paid-up member of the moral majority, keeps finding David’s wife (John), in the wrong bed.

 

The club’s telephone system is on the blink. The phone lines are crossed and the wrong phones are ringing all the time. One of the crossed wires, clearly belongs to an illegal bookie (Who can that be?), whose clients keep calling the club to place bets.

 

 

YOU’VE HEARD OF THE DOUBLE ENTENDRE, YOU MAY HAVE COME ACROSS THE TRIPLE ENTENDRE, BUT NOW, FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME… FOUR PHONES RING SIMULTANEOUSLY FOR A QUADRUPLE ENTENDRE!

 

 

TINA.         (Picks up the phone in room 11.) Hello

 

MRS. C.     (Picks up the phone at the counter.) Oakfield Golf and Country Club.

 

WILSON.   (Picks up the phone an the table.) Yes?

 

JOHN.      (Picks up the phone in room 13.) Hello.

 

TINA.        (Calls to John through the connecting door.) Why don’t you take your pants off?

 

WILSON.   What, right here in the lobby. I’ll catch me’ death of cold.

 

JOHN.       No – no. Not you, I think she means me.

 

MRS. C.     I don’t care how good Golden Girl was last time in the final stretch, you may not put anything

                  on anyone, anyhow, anytime, anywhere. Do I make myself clear?

 

WILSON.   (To Mrs. Carlson.) Hold on a minute. Keep your pants on.

 

TINA.         No – no! You need to take them off!

 

MRS. C.    First you want to put something on, now you want to take your pants off?

 

JOHN.       It’s alright, she means me.

 

MRS. C.     Who’s she? Who is this? What? What do you mean she’s always at her best in a big field.   That’s disgusting.

 

WILSON.    (To Mrs. C.) Take it easy Mrs. C. Keep your hair on.

 

TINA.         And that’s another thing. What are you doing with all that hair?

 

(John snatches off the wig.)

 

MRS. C.    What hair?

 

JOHN.       I think she means my hair.

 

MRS. C.    What?

 

JOHN.      (Calls to Tina) It’s alright, I’ve taken it off.

 

MRS. C.    I don’t care what it is you’ve taken off young man, I strongly advise you to put it back on again.

 

(John puts the wig back on.)

 

TINA.       Don’t put it on, take it off. Let’s take if all off.

 

MRS. C.   Wilson, do something!

 

WILSON.  What do you want me to do? I’ve told you, it’s the wires under there. (Points to the counter.)

 

TINA.        Who’s in their underwear?

 

JOHN.       You are.

 

MRS. C.    O-o-o-h!

 

WILSON.   Hang in there Mrs. C.

 

TINA.        That’s it, let’s go and hang out somewhere.

 

JOHN.      You’re already hanging out.

 

MRS. C.   Now everybody listen to me. We are not hanging in. We are certainly not hanging out. What we are doing is                      hanging up. NOW! (They all hang up.)

 

 

                                                                                The Handicap!

 

John and David’s real wives, Karly McGachen and Laura Baker, surprise their husbands and show up

for the weekend. After discovering Tina, the second Mrs. Baker, they are led to believe their husbands are both having affairs. With some unexpected help from D. L. Hutchinson, they eventually are convinced that “true love”, does exist, and reunite with their husbands.

 

                                                                              The Final Score!

 

D.L. ends up …. Tina ends up … and Wilson ends up….Well, this is a Michael Parker farce, and of course, there is yet another twist!

 

Scripts available from Samuel French. Inc. # 25232

 

 

JOHN BAKER (Age 35-40) A vice president of The Ashley Maureen Cosmetics Corporation, he is a successful business exective, who, because of his kind and gentle nature, allows himself to be manipulated into compromising situations by the more dominant personality of David. Alternating between the roles of himself and David's 'wife,' he is caught up in a whirlwind of events beyond his control, but nevertheless manages to show great strength of character and personality. (Hardworking, honest, straightforward and full of initiative)

 

DAVID McGACHEN (Age 45-50) A distinguished looking man, he has risen to become a vice president of The Ashley Maureen Cosmetics Corporation more by guile and cunnng than ability and hard work. Relentess in his efforts to impress his new boss, he attempts to manipulate all those around him. Even when his plan to ceate two alternative wives begins to unravel, he never gives up scheming and plotting, and always seems to come up with 'one more idea.' (Clever and cunning, a relentless schemer)

 

TINA (Age 20-30) The young, pretty country club receptionist. She is good at her job, impressing the guests wih her smile and personality. Once she has been persuaded to impersonate John's wife, she embraces the role wholeheartedly. After a little to much champagne, she seems to have difficulty keeping all her clothes on, and ends up at the heart of many of the visual comic sequences.  (Bright, sexy,a bubbling personality)

 

MRS. CARLSON (Age 45-55) The club manager. A straight-laced, severe woman who, in a few years will no doubt become a typical 'old battleaxe.' A this stage in her life she prefers to take the moral high ground and does not hesitate to preach the evils of sex and adultery. She sees herself as  a guardian of morality for the country club, and makes sure all her guests know it. (Dominant, bossy, efficient, yet rather likeable)

 

WILSON (Age 60+) The club handyman. He is the complete and total hypochondriac. You name it, he suffers from it! An endearing and comic character, he lights up the stage at his every entrance with his chronic complaints. Never far from most of the comic sequences, he is a pivotal character who observes all the madcap happenings going on around him.  (Likeable, funny, with a great sense of humor)

 

D.L. HUTCHISON (Age 45-50) The new president of The Ashley Maureen Cosmetic Corporation. She is bright, smart and self-assured, wih a 'take charge' nature. She is the 'straight man' of the plot, for whose benefit the duplicate wives hae been produced. She is a somewhat overbearing character, serious in nature, who, at all times, is all business. She is finally revealed as a duplicitous hypocrite in the surprise endng.  (Smart, attractive, efficient and personable)

 

KARLY McGACHEN (AGE 40ish) She is quite a strong character who reacts in a positive and forceful way to the apparent infidelity of her husband David. Determined to make him jealous, she is party to several hilarious scenes as she makes a play for the reluctat Wilson.(Determined and calculating, yet with a tender side)

 

LAURA BAKER (Age 30-40) A pretty little thing who is somewhat dominated by the stronger character of Karly, she is a simple soul  who just wants to love and be loved by her husband John. She never quite understands what is going on around her. She cries at the drop of a hat, and spends much of her time on stage in tears. (Tender, loving, naive)

WHOSE WIVES ARE THEY ANYWAY?…IN THE NEWS

 

 

“Michael Parker has written another farce. That’s all Delray Beach Playhouse audiences need to know to start buying tickets.”

The Palm Beach Post / Palm Beach, Florida

 

 

 

“If tickets are still available for the laugh-a-minute production of “Whose Wives Are They Anyway”, go get them.”

     “Boisterous hilarity reigns.”

The ever developing plot twists are an absolute delight.”

The Montgomery Advertiser / Wetumpka, Alabama

 

 

 

“A fly-by-the-seat-of-your pants evening of fun entertainment.”

Conejo Players, California

 

 

“A veritable laugh riot.”

“If you are looking for rollicking entertainment, this is a show for you.”

The Boca Rotan News / Boca Rotan, Florida

 

 

“An uproarious American farce.”

Theater Mania / California

 

 

“Frantic and a lot of fun.”

         “Classic writing techniques in alliteration and assonance.”

                                           “A two hour whirlwind of laughter.”

The Gold Coast Life Style / Florida

 

 

   “An entertaining evening of deftly executed comedy.”

The Delray Times / Delray Beach, Florida

 

 

 

                                    “It's an enjoyable evening's entertainment,

                                 good for many laughs.”

                                                                                                 Simi Valley Acorn / California

 

 

© 2014 By Michael & Susan Parker Playwright