Plays produced by special arrangement with Samuel French, Inc.
A simple enough plot…
Weeks before a presidential election, Senator Henry Douglas, a smooth-talking candidate who has based his entire campaign on the issues of morality and family values is given an unusual opportunity. Arranging for his wife, Lois, to be away for the weekend, he realizes that with a little luck he may be able to break everyone of his campaign promises before the votes are even counted. Once his wife is safely on her way to the airport, he invites his voluptuous secretary, Veronica, to spend the night in his Washington D.C. townhouse. To his abject disappointment, she is unavailable. He then contacts the Capitol Escort Agency, and arranges for an “escort” for the evening.
But, this is a farce
Unfortunately, his neighbor, an elderly congressman, Clyde Salt, locks himself out of his townhouse and has to spend the night. Harry solves the problem of Congressman Salt, by slipping large quantities of sleeping powders into his brandy. He will be sound asleep all night.
What else could go wrong?
- Jack Maguire, his nephew and a young first-term congressman, arrives to discuss Harry’s presidential
Campaign. He drinks the brandy intended for Salt.
- Fiona, the “escort” girl, arrives and mistakenly assumes that Maguire is her client, and he, in a drug-induced
state, is unable to resist her advances.
- Veronica changes her mind and arrives ready for a romantic evening.
- A reporter, from the National Intruder, Betty Morrison, having heard the rumor that the Senator’s Office
staff is known as “Harry’s Harem” arrives with her camera to investigate.
MORRISON: I think I can produce proof of the Senator’s infidelities. Please believe me.
SALT: Believe you? Why shouldn’t I believe you? After all, in the past three months, I have read, on the front page no less, of your smutty little publication, how a man in upstate New York has given birth to his own twin brother. How Cleopatra is alive and well and living in Utah. How Adolf Hitler survived WWII, had a sex change operation and married the mayor of Philadelphia. Do you want me to go on?
MORRISON: I suppose not. However I’m glad to see you read The Intruder, Congressman.
SALT: Ah, yes – well – I don’t really. I just notice the headlines when I’m standing in line at the supermarket.
MORRISON: I understand. However, if you could just bring yourself to trust me in this one case –
SALT: Trust you? Madam, if you’ve ever been in the trust department of a bank, you’ll notice that’s the one place where
all the pens are chained down!
And if that isn’t enough….
- Maguire believes Fiona is from the C.I.A., not the C.E.A. “Capitol Escort Agency”, and is persuaded by
Salt to “Do everything she asks”.
-
Salt, (an endearing character who inevitably steals the show) is up and down the stairs continually
interrupting Harry’s amorous endeavors.
- Fiona, getting nowhere, decides to take Maguire out for a breath of fresh air, and puts him in Lois’s pink
robe.
-
A police officer assigned to protect the senator, spies a man in a pink robe entering the townhouse and insists on inspecting the rooms.
-
Chaos ensues as Harry tries to hide Veronica, Fiona, and a sleepy, pink-robed Maguire.
-
And you know the airport is snowed in and Lois returns.
A surprise ending…
Lois’s return should be the end, but this is a Michael Parker play. There is always a twist!
Scripts available from Samuel French, Inc. catalogue # 20952
Plot
Listen to the volume of laughter!
Courtesy of Soap lake Theatre Masquers
SF web link
Start with an ordinary situation…
Huge oil reserves have been discovered in The Chagos Islands, and now O.P.E.C. is pressuring the Chagosians to join the cartel. The Chagosians however, are interested in placing themselves under the protection of the U.S.A. A secret meeting between a representative of the Islands and a U.S. under secretary of state, Margaret Johnson, has been arranged in a C.I.A. safe house in the mountains of Virginia. Unfortunately, no one knows who the Islands’ representative really is.
Add some physical shtick…
Concerned about possible O.P.E.C. interference, the C.I.A. has sent agent Luke James to secure the cabin. An eager beaver on his first field assignment, we are left to wonder how he ever got the job. He gets caught in all his own booby traps, manages to electrocute himself, sets himself on fire, gets a bucket stuck on his head, and if that isn’t enough, he finally locks himself in his own handcuffs!
Combine interesting characters and a complex plot…
We discover that Daniel Warren is replacing the regular safe-house caretaker, Mr. Cole, who was having some medical problems. Daniel is an ex-marine with a dry wit, who has little patience for Luke James, from the “Complete Idiots Academy”. To complicate matters, he finds himself the target of Margaret Johnson’s overactive libido. The stage is now set for the entrance of The Reverend Samuel Abernathy, a hell and damnation televangelist, who finds sin around every corner, even when there isn’t any. His car has broken down, not far from the cabin, and he is stranded. He seeks shelter for the night for himself and Millicent, his dowdy and innocent (Or is she?) secretary. Adding to the chaos is Heather Ann Faraday, the sexy, mysterious next-door neighbor who needs to stay the night because her power went out in the storm.
Through in a mix of one liners and double entendre…
THE SET UP: Millicent has just had a conversations with Luke in which he revealed he was not the chef, but a C.I.A. agent. He then left in a hurry, explaining that the only thing he had on his mind was to complete the security arrangements in both the kitchen and Mr. Warren’s apartment. Samuel, is convinced Luke is attempting to seduce Millicent, and tries to protect her.
SAMUEL. Millicent, I need to warn you. I’m sure that this Luke fellow is not what he appears to be.
MILLICENT. I know that Samuel, but how did you figure it out?
SAMUEL. Ah, well…The Lord works in mysterious ways.
MILLICENT. So does Luke.
SAMUEL. You must understand Millicent, he’s only got one thing on his mind.
MILLICENT. Yes I know, that’s what he told me.
SAMUEL. He told you?
MILLICENT. Yes, he’s going to do it in the kitchen.
SAMUEL. The kitchen?
MILLICENT. Yes, and then he’s going to do it in Mr. Warren’s apartment.
SAMUEL. The kitchen? Mr. Warren’s apartment? Oh the depravity of it all. Oh Lord, please forgive me. I have
neglected the innocent one entrusted to my care. Millicent, you must not let it happen.
MILLICENT. Oh, but Luke says it’s very important that it does happen.
SAMUEL. Millicent my dear, you are in grave danger. You know so little of the ways of the world. I really don't
think you know what you are doing.
MILLICENT. That’s what I told Luke, but he said all I have to do is relax and leave everything to him.
SAMUEL. The scoundrel! Millicent I implore you, go to your room and pray.
You now have a recipe for two hours of hilarious laughter! Will the real Chagos Islands Representative please stand up?
Scripts available from Samuel French, Inc.
CHARACTERS
LUKE JAMES (Age 25-30) A CIA agent on his first field assignment. We are left to wonder how he ever got the job. He gets caught in his own booby traps, he walks into walls, he sets fire to the kitchen, he gets a bucket stuck on his head, etc. In short, if there’s a wrong way to do something, he’ll find it! He continues to repeat throughout the play, “I can do that!” but, in fact, as Margaret says, “He really can’t do anything.” (Likeable, enthusiastic, hopelessly incompetent)
DANIEL WARREN (Age 50-60) Daniel introduces himself as a retired Marine Corps Sergeant. In fact, he is a mercenary hired by OPEC. He is “all business”, and quickly realizes how easily he can handle Luke James. Possessing a sharp southern wit, he is never at a loss for words, especially when he repeatedly catches the Reverend Samuel Abernathy in compromising situations. Pursued relentlessly by Margaret, he manages to remain professional, and complete his assignment. (Competent, a “tough guy” with a quick, dry wit)
MARGARET JOHNSON (Age 35-55) An Assistant Secretary of State. She is a professional, and, as we would expect, good at her job. However, it is the other side of Margaret, which brings her character to life. She appears to be run by her libido. Never subtle, Margaret relentlessly pursues Daniel throughout the play. Despite his repeated rejections, she will not take no for an answer. Ever resourceful, she continually finds new ways to entice him into her bed. (Attractive, determined, a “sexual predator”)
THE REVEREND SAMUEL ABERNATHY (Age 50-60) A quintessential television evangelist, complete with white linen suit and pompadour hairstyle. He tends to “talk down”, to people and is constantly preaching. Eventually however, we see he does not always practice what he preaches. Throughout the play, he constantly misinterprets everything he sees and hears, until finally, he is left totally and thoroughly confused, and presents himself as a rather pathetic figure. (Arrogant, bombastic, but never the less, sincere in his beliefs)
MILLICENT. (Age 25-30) The Reverend Samuel Abernathy’s secretary. She is correctly referred to by Samuel as “an innocent.” She is dowdy and unglamorous, in fact, “ a plain Jane”, who makes no attempt to improve her appearance. It is only when she finds herself attracted to Luke, that we see, what is perhaps the real Millicent. After taking a seduction lesson from Heather, she emerges from her shell, in one of the plays most hilarious scenes. (Shy, frumpy, compassionate, then finally, “a bombshell”)
HEATHER ANN FARADAY (Age 30-35) Introduces herself as the neighbor from the next cabin, but she is, in fact, Daniel’s partner and fellow OPEC agent. She plays the “role” of the Chagos Islands Representative with competence and a great deal of panache. Although a mercenary, she shows a kind and sympathetic side when Millicent asks her for help. (Glamorous, sexy, smart, with a great sense of humor)
RANGER DON (Any age) Is, in fact, Donna Yarid, the real representative of the Chagos Islands, disguised as a man. A brief role, but one, which at the very end of the play, holds the key to the entire plot. (Unassuming, competent and business- like)
REVIEWS
SIN, SEX & THE C.I.A. …IN THE NEWS
“This play has character development, as every good play must.”
“The plot has more turns than Soda Bay Road.”
“I can’t say much about the plot … I don’t want to give it away… so
that you get all the laughs coming to you, and so I can continue typing
without breaking up.”
“If you know what’s good for you, you’ll go.”
Record Bee/Lakeport, California
“Sin, Sex & the C.I.A. generously incorporates every aspect of farcical comedy into its insanely funny script.”
Hemet, California
“Packed with double entendres and lot of humor”
“….comic moments and hearty laughs.”
Sarasota Herald Tribune/ Sarasota, Florida
“Nearly every element of comic farce is present in this show – for an
audience that means laughter from beginning to end!”
Paradise Playhouse/ Excelsior Springs, MO
“The playwrights have another hit here.”
The Valley Chronicle, California
“Laugh out loud hilarity…the laughs are relentless.”
The Press-enterprise/ California
“Rib splittingly funny”
“A complex and hilariously funny plot”
“The Parkers are masters at this style of theatre”
Englewood Sun Herald/ Englewood, Florida
