Plot

Book and Lyrics by Michael Parker and Susan Parker

Music by Robert Brader

   

 

 

Act I

 

Rose Cottage Bed & Breakfast is owned by the very prim and proper, Mrs. Stancliffe. Her geriatric neighbor, “Bud the Stud” Davis, arrives daily to sneak a peek at the reservations to see if any of his “chicks” will be arriving today. Confronted by her Bud explains ...

 

(“I’m Checking Out The Chicks”)

 

 

Henry, a retired chemist, has developed a little blue pill , whose purpose is to increase the libido of menopausal women. It is called Venusia, after Venus the Goddess of Love. As Henry expresses his frustration to Bud about his daily courtship (or lack thereof) with Mrs. Stancliffe, they reveal different points of view on women...(which could easily be mistaken for Viagra)

 

 

 

(“Menopause Is Not a Crime”)

 

 

Victoria Ambrose, a romance novelist, whose personal life seems to be totally lacking in love, checks into Rose Cottage to complete her latest novel. She allows Mrs. Stancliffe to read the first few pages after discovering she’s a fan. While “feeling a little hot” after reading it, Mrs. Stancliffe now reflects on her relationship with Henry who has proposed marriage everyday for the past twenty years...

 

(“Is He the Love of My Life?”)

 

 

Bud tries to persuade Henry to be more creative in his pursuit of Mrs. Stancliffe, by suggesting two ways: Give her the “Venusia” pill, and try to be more like him, a man of great sex appeal...

 

 (“Panache”)

  

(whose libido certainly does not need Venusia,) checks in hoping for a rendezvous with Bud...Charmaine Beauregard, a quintessential Southern Belle, and one of Bud’s former “chicks”,

 

(“Southern Gals Don’t Kiss and Tell”)

 

(in the name of science) to test the Venusia. Bud who has met each of the guests and dazzled them with his charisma, has arranged to meet with each of them that evening, The three women wait for him, unaware of his philandering ways...Finally, Hillary Hudson an old friend and former associates of Henry’s, arrives undercover. Asked there by Henry, she has agreed

 

(“Bud the Stud”)

 

Can Bud keep them apart?

 

 

Act II

 

The next afternoon, Victoria rejects Bud’s further and much misguided advances, and is left to ponder her relationship with men...

 

(“When Will There Be a Man For Me?”)

 

When Charmaine, Hillary and Victoria get together, they soon realize they have been duped by Bud...

 

(“Budly Dudly Done Us Wrong”)

 

 

Along with Mrs. Stancliffe, the women devise a plan to get even with Bud by switching his Viagra pills with the “Venusia”. Operation “Bud the Dud” goes into action, but are the women as opposed to the Venusia as the claim they were?

In the meantime, Henry, trying desperately to sweep Mrs. Stancliffe off her feet, gets help from Victoria to romanticize his “very unique” proposal. All seems to go well and there appears to be a change of attitude by Mrs. Stancliffe...

 

(“Is She the Love of My Life?”)

 

 

Now that Mrs. Stancliffe appears interested, Henry becomes nervous. Bud convinces him everything will be alright, he just needs to take some Viagra, which he gives to Henry. Unknown to both, they have taken “Venusia”. We now discover that “Venusia” has a strange effect on men. Bud and Henry come down with all the symptoms of menopausal women, complete with hot flashes, mood swings, weeping and irritability as hilarity ensues.

 

Hillary, however, recognizes the commercial significance of this and tries to convince Henry how terrific this is...

 

(“Think About the Money, Honey”)

 

Bud and Henry, emphatically disagree with Hilary, and still under the influence of the “Venusia”, continue to experience all the symptoms of menopause ...

 

(“Why Do I Feel So Fat?”)

 

Finally, as the play continues, all four women find their lives moving in new and surprising directions culminating with Henry and Mrs. Stancliffe...

 

(“You are the Love of My Life”)

 

For a more detailed plot summary, please visit the play page  "Sex Please We're Sixty."

 

PLEASE VISIT MUSIC SAMPLES TO HEAR EXCERPTS

 

                                                                            It all begins with a 'STUD'

 

MRS. STANCLIFFE.   I have a message for you. At precisely 7:47 post meridian, yesterday, one of your former paramours

                                     left you a message. She will be arriving today, and wishes to re-acquaint herself with you.

 

BUD. See, I told you, the chicks all come back to “Bud the Stud”. Now, what’s her name?

 

MRS. STANCLIFFE. I am not your booking agent. Suffice it to say, I have delivered the message.

 

BUD. How am suppose to re-acquaint myself with her if I don’t know who she is.

 

MRS. STANCLIFFE. I refuse to make your appointments for you, but I will tell you that the lady in question referred to you

                                  as (Rolls her eyes) “ Studly Budly Do-right.”

 

BUD. Well, that doesn’t help me at all. They all call me that.

 

MRS. STANCLIFFE. How you can have a romantic liaison with someone, and not remember her name, is completely

                                   beyond my comprehension.

 

BUD. What’s sex got to do with remembering their names? I can’t even remember what I had for breakfast.

 

MRS. STANCLIFFE. Really Mr. Davis. Do you ever have a thought that originates above the waist? Have you nothing

                                   better to do with your time than stand here waiting to look at my reservations?

 

BUD. Have I ever told you-

 

MRS. STANCLIFFE. No, and don’t start now.BUD. (Smiling.) Right Mrs. S. Well, if there’s at least one chick coming in

                                   today, I’d better go replenish my….er…supplies.

 

MRS. STANCLIFFE. That is quite enough, and for heaven’s sake stop smiling. You look like the Mona Lisa on valium. Mr.

                                   Davis, I am terminating this conversation at precisely (Looks at her watch) 4:41 post meridian.

 

 

                                         Who thinks he has "three chicks"...BUT...."The Chicks" think otherwise

 

 

 

 MRS. STANCLIFFE. It’s got quite chilly in here. Why can’t you ever have a good hot flash when you need one?

                                   (VICTORIA, CHARMAINE AND HILLARY in unison give a loud wail.) In heaven’s name what is going

                                    on?

 

VICTORIA / CHARMAINE / HILLARY.   BUD

 

MRS. STANCLIFFE.  What has that little weasel been up to now?

 

CHARMAINE.  My Budly-Studly was Dilly-dallying with all of us.

 

VICTORIA.  At the same time.

 

HILLARY.  In the same house.

 

CHARMAINE.  My Budly Dudly Do-right done me wrong. Why that tomcat was busier than a one legged man at a butt-

                          kicking contest.

 

HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN SCORNED... (Can you imagine three?)  

...after Hillary tells the others about the Venusia.

 

CHARMAINE. Why these little blue pills look just like those Viagra pills that Bud seems to live on.

 

MRS. STANCLIFFE. That’s it! That’s how we fix Bud the Stud.

 

VICTORIA. What do you mean?

 

MRS. STANCLIFFE. We’ll swap Bud’s Viagra with the Venusia. He won’t know the difference, and Bud the Stud, will

                                   become Bud the Dud.

 

VICTORIA.  How do we get Bud’s pills away from him?

 

CHARMAINE.  Leave it to me. His ass is grass and I’m the lawnmower.

 

 

                                                               Revenge is sweet.....Menopausal Men!

 

 

HENRY.     You don’t even care how I feel. What do you mean, what a riot, this isn’t a riot, this is…this is awful. (Breaks

                   into tears) You women are so insensitive.

 

HILLARY.  (Laughing.) I think your more female than a female. You know, if you saw this on stage, no one would believe 

                   it.

 

HENRY.     Do you realize just how hormonally challenged I am right now?

 

HILLARY.  Henry, do you realize what this means?

 

HENRY.     It means I’m going to be hotter than hell again.

 

HILLARY.  No Henry, you’re going to be rich.

 

HENRY.    What?

 

HILLARY.  Every menopausal woman on the planet is going to want to buy Venusia to give to their unsympathetic

                   husbands.

 

HENRY.     Why? Why would anybody want to feel like this?

 

HILLARY. Exactly! Women will now have an opportunity to make men understand what we go through.

 

HENRY.    It’s all about women isn’t it? You don’t care that I’m feeling just terrible, you only think of yourselves. Oh…

                 Oh….here I go again. (Runs out the nook French doors)

 

And later...

 

HENRY.  Oh dear, I’m afraid the pills have caused you to go from Bud the Stud to…

 

BUD.       Bud the Dud. (Weeping loudly.) How long will this last? Will it go away? I just want it to go away.

 

HENRY.   I’m not sure, but it’s an all natural vegetable product, so it should eventually wear off…I hope (Starts to mop his

                 brow.) Oh no, ….here I go again. (Taps his right foot.)

 

BUD.       This is terrible Henry….how could you do this to me, I’m supposed to be a sex symbol.

 

HENRY.   I didn’t do this to you, you did this to yourself.

 

BUD.      Sure, blame me. You are so insensitive. (Starts to fan himself.) I’m going all clammy again.

 

HENRY.  I am so insensitive? It’s all about you isn’t it. You don’t care how I feel.

 

BUD.      (Starts to cry.) Feel…feel? Ok….But why do I feel so bloated?

 

HENRY.  Bud, listen to us, we sound just like women. (Both Henry and Bud weep loudly.)

 

BUD.      Well I’m not going to just sit here and…(Tries to stand, when suddenly his back goes out leaving him in a bent

               over position.) OOOOHHHH!

 

HENRY.  What is it Bud?

 

BUD.      My back is out again. Can you help?

 

HENRY.  Oh no! Here comes another one. (He taps his right foot, and starts to fan himself again.)

 

BUD.      You just don’t care do you? (Bursts into tears again.) Here I am, practically paralyzed, and all you can think

               about is your stupid hot flash. If you’re not going to help can you at least get Ms. Hudson.

 

HENRY.  OK Bud, but I think you’re being very selfish asking me to help when I’m in this state.

 

Scripts available from Samuel French, Inc.

 

 

 

DIALOGUE

CHARACTERS

  BUD DAVIS  (Age 70+)  The next door neighbor to Mrs. Stancliffe's Rose Cottage Bed & Breakfast. He is weak, frail looking (the frailer the better), and appears at first glance to have 'one foot in the grave.' However, over the years, he has become renowned among the female guests as "Bud the Stud." He claims responsibility for the success of the bed & breakfast, believing all the females return year after year to see him. He enchants all of them with his silver tongue and sexual prowess. (Very elderly, somewhat infirm, chauvinistic, brazen, but likeable)   Vocal Range: G2-Eb4 (touches/shouts a Gb4 and E4)

                  

 

MRS.  STANCLIFFE  (Age 60+) The owner of Rose Cottage Bed & Breakfast. She is a severe woman both in dress and manner. Precise in speech and punctuality, she gives the impression of efficiency and comptetence. She is intolerant of Bud's 'Hanky-Panky', with her guests, but reluctantly has to agree he is good for business. Pursued by her next-door neighbor Henry, she refuses to let him into her life, until surprising events finally bring them together. (Sensible, practical, punctual, business like, menopausal, finally radiant and senuous)      Vocal Range: (F3) G3-E5 (optional F5)

 

 

HENRY MITCHELL (Age 60+) A retired chemist and Mrs. Stancliffe's 'Gentleman Caller.' He is a mile mannered man who has proposed to Mrs. Stancliffe every afternoon for twenty years. He is always the perfect gentleman, and shows a great deal of respect for all the women around him. He has developed Venusia, a pill to increase the libido in menopausal women, but refuses to test it on moral grounds. Bud calls him 'A stick in the mud', and he probably is, but eventually comes out of his shell. (Gentle, caring, thoughtful, loveable)  Vocal Range: Bb2-A4

 

 

         VICTORIA AMBROSE (Age 50+) Victoria is a renowned author who writes steamy romantic novels. She

         pines   for romance in her personal life, but finds none. Flattered at first by Bud's attentions, she later

         sees him as the shallow, insincere 'Casanova' the he really is and readily joins the plot to turn "Bud the

         Stud" into "Bud the Dud." (Pretty, serious, intelligent, menopausal) Vocal Range: E3-F5

 

 

HILLARY HUDSON  (Age 50+) Hillary is beautiful, well educated, articulate and sophisticated in both manner and dress. She is an old friend and co-worker of Henry's who agrees to test the Venusia pills. Initially skeptical of Bud's attentions, she gradually warms towards him, but is it the Venusia or Bud's charms? (Elegant, charming, best described a 'A touch of class', intelligent and menopausal)

Vocal Range: F3-Eb5

 

 

CHARMAINE BEAUREGARD (Age 50+) Charmaine is the quintessential southern belle. She is definitely ehre at Rose Cottage for "Bud the Stud." Of all people, she does not need Venusia, as her entire life seems to be run by her overactive libido. However, she is a pround woman who will not be two-timed by Bud, and becomes the leading light in the plot to tame him. (Voluptuous, out-going, gushing, demonstrative, southern accent, menopausalVocal Range: A3-E5 (touches/shouts an F5)

 

 

 

REVIEWS

IMAGINE WHAT THEY'LL SAY WHEN YOU ADD MUSIC!

  SEX PLEASE WE’RE SIXTY...in the NEWS

 

 

If You Need a Rollicking Good Time Filled with Laughter,

This is a MUST-SEE Play.”

Fort Smith, AK, The City Wire

 

 

"Sex Please We're Sixty a Giggle Fest for 'People of a Certain Age'."

"The crazy ending becomes an absolute riot of laughs."

Michigan Saginaw’s Pit and Balcony Community Theatre

 

 

Here is a look at top events you won’t want to miss...

Hot Picks: ‘Sex Please We’re Sixty’

Chicago Sun Times, Southtown Star

 

 

Sex Please We're Sixty: Hilarious 'Romp' of a Play

Fairborn, GA

 

 

 You'll Laugh, You'll Cry at Sex Please We're Sixty!" 

Arizona KPSP Local Channel 2

 

 

The Parkers Got It Right. A Must See.”

Christy Chase, Entertainment Editor, Metroland Newspapers

 

 

Lusting For Laughs? Sex Please We're Sixty is Just the Ticket!”

Stage West quickly sold every seat for every show, and is just as quickly selling out the added performance.

Tampa Bay Times, 2013

 

 

Sex Please We're Sixty was a SMASH HIT!”

We had a second weekend of sellout crowds, and had to turn people away at the door.”

Palos Park, Illinois

 

 

 

Based on the phenomenal success of the spring production of “Sex Please We're Sixty”, the Hall's Bridge Players are going to bring it back for summer audiences.”

Buckhorn, Canada

 

 

 

Sex Please We're Sixty Full of Laughs, Small and Large”

Erie Times-News

 

 

We had to do this!”

Just the whole premise, the whole plot line and the physical comedy -- it's hilarious. We've been rehearsing four weeks, and every night, I just laugh constantly."

David W. Mitchell All An Act, Erie, PA

 

 

 

© 2014 By Michael & Susan Parker Playwright