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It all begins with a 'STUD'
Mrs. Stancliffe’s Rose Cottage Bed & Breakfast has been successful for many years. Guests (nearly all women), return year after year. Her next-door neighbor, the silver-tongued Bud Davis believes that they return to spend time with him in romantic liaisons. The prim and proper Mrs. Stancliffe, of course, steadfastly denies this, but really doesn’t do anything to prevent it. Perhaps she reluctantly accepts the fact, that “Bud the Stud”, as he calls himself, is, in fact, good for business.
MRS. STANCLIFFE. I have a message for you. At precisely 7:47 post meridian, yesterday, one of your former paramours
left you a message. She will be arriving today, and wishes to re-acquaint herself with you.
BUD. See, I told you, the chicks all come back to “Bud the Stud”. Now, what’s her name?
MRS. STANCLIFFE. I am not your booking agent. Suffice it to say, I have delivered the message.
BUD. How am suppose to re-acquaint myself with her if I don’t know who she is.
MRS. STANCLIFFE. I refuse to make your appointments for you, but I will tell you that the lady in question referred to
you as (Rolls her eyes) “ Studly Budly Do-right.”
BUD. Well, that doesn’t help me at all. They all call me that.
MRS. STANCLIFFE. How you can have a romantic liaison with someone, and not remember her name, is completely
beyond my comprehension.
BUD. What’s sex got to do with remembering their names? I can’t even remember what I had for breakfast.
MRS. STANCLIFFE. Really Mr. Davis. Do you ever have a thought that originates above the waist? Have you nothing
better to do with your time than stand here waiting to look at my reservations?
BUD. Have I ever told you-
MRS. STANCLIFFE. No, and don’t start now.
BUD. (Smiling.) Right Mrs. S. Well, if there’s at least one chick coming in today, I’d better go replenish my….er…supplies.
MRS. STANCLIFFE. That is quite enough, and for heaven’s sake stop smiling. You look like the Mona Lisa on valium. Mr.
Davis, I am terminating this conversation at precisely (Looks at her watch) 4:41 post meridian.
Who thinks he has "three chicks"
Her other neighbor, Henry Mitchell, has routinely proposed marriage to her everyday for the past twenty years. She always has the same answer: “They shouldn’t rush into this.” In order to help move their relationship along, Henry, a retired chemist, has developed a little blue pill patented under the name “Venusia” after Venus, the goddess of love, to increase the libido in menopausal women. Always the perfect gentleman, he refuses to try it on Mrs. Stancliffe, but instead has invited a friend to Rose Cottage to test it out. Add to the guest list two other menopausal women who are checking into Rose Cottage today. Victoria Ambrose, a romance novelist, whose personal life seems to be totally lacking in romance, and Charmaine Beauregard, a quintessential southern belle, who has a rendezvous with Bud, and whose libido certainly does not need to be increased. Finally we meet Hillary Hudson, Henry’s friend, who will test the Venusia.
"The chicks" think otherwise
Bud, inadvertently gets his hands on some of the “Venusia” pills and the fun begins. Bud attempts to entertain all three women but even “Bud the Stud”, cannot maintain the frenetic pace of three women, in three rooms, at the same time. Not surprisingly, they quickly discover his three-timing scheme.
MRS. STANCLIFFE. It’s got quite chilly in here. Why can’t you ever have a good hot flash when you need one?
(VICTORIA, CHARMAINE AND HILLARY in unison give a loud wail.) In heaven’s name what is going
VICTORIA / CHARMAINE / HILLARY. BUD
MRS. STANCLIFFE. What has that little weasel been up to now?
CHARMAINE. My Budly-Studly was Dilly-dallying with all of us.
VICTORIA. At the same time.
HILLARY. In the same house.
CHARMAINE. My Budly Dudly Do-right done me wrong. Why that tomcat was busier than a one legged man at a butt-
HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN SCORNED... (Can you imagine three?) after Hillary tells the others about the Venusia.
CHARMAINE. Why these little blue pills look just like those Viagra pills that Bud seems to live on.
MRS. STANCLIFFE. That’s it! That’s how we fix Bud the Stud.
VICTORIA. What do you mean?
MRS. STANCLIFFE. We’ll swap Bud’s Viagra with the Venusia. He won’t know the difference, and Bud the Stud, will
become Bud the Dud.
VICTORIA. How do we get Bud’s pills away from him?
CHARMAINE. Leave it to me. His ass is grass and I’m the lawnmower.
Revenge is sweet!
The swap is made. "Bud the Stud" indeed becomes "Bud the Dud". Unfortunately, Henry also inadvertently takes some of the Venusia. We now discover that the Venusia has a strange effect on men. It gives them all the symptoms of a menopausal woman, complete with hot flashes, mood swings, weeping and irritability.
HENRY. You don’t even care how I feel. What do you mean, what a riot, this isn’t a riot, this is…this is awful. (Breaks
into tears) You women are so insensitive.
HILLARY. (Laughing.) I think your more female than a female. You know, if you saw this on stage, no one would believe
HENRY. Do you realize just how hormonally challenged I am right now?
HILLARY. Henry, do you realize what this means?
HENRY. It means I’m going to be hotter than hell again.
HILLARY. No Henry, you’re going to be rich.
HILLARY. Every menopausal woman on the planet is going to want to buy Venusia to give to their unsympathetic
HENRY. Why? Why would anybody want to feel like this?
HILLARY. Exactly! Women will now have an opportunity to make men understand what we go through.
HENRY. It’s all about women isn’t it? You don’t care that I’m feeling just terrible, you only think of yourselves. Oh…
Oh….here I go again. (Runs out the nook French doors)
HENRY. Oh dear, I’m afraid the pills have caused you to go from Bud the Stud to…
BUD. Bud the Dud. (Weeping loudly.) How long will this last? Will it go away? I just want it to go away.
HENRY. I’m not sure, but it’s an all natural vegetable product, so it should eventually wear off…I hope (Starts to mop his
brow.) Oh no, ….here I go again. (Taps his right foot.)
BUD. This is terrible Henry….how could you do this to me, I’m supposed to be a sex symbol.
HENRY. I didn’t do this to you, you did this to yourself.
BUD. Sure, blame me. You are so insensitive. (Starts to fan himself.) I’m going all clammy again.
HENRY. I am so insensitive? It’s all about you isn’t it. You don’t care how I feel.
BUD. (Starts to cry.) Feel…feel? Ok….But why do I feel so bloated?
HENRY. Bud, listen to us, we sound just like women. (Both Henry and Bud weep loudly.)
BUD. Well I’m not going to just sit here and…(Tries to stand, when suddenly his back goes out leaving him in a bent
over position.) OOOOHHHH!
HENRY. What is it Bud?
BUD. My back is out again. Can you help?
HENRY. Oh no! Here comes another one. (He taps his right foot, and starts to fan himself again.)
BUD. You just don’t care do you? (Bursts into tears again.) Here I am, practically paralyzed, and all you can think
about is your stupid hot flash. If you’re not going to help can you at least get Ms. Hudson.
HENRY. OK Bud, but I think you’re being very selfish asking me to help when I’m in this state.
To find out what happens to our intrepid heroes, you’ll have to read the whole play. But, this is a Parker play, so you know there’s always a surprising, unexpected twist at the end.
BUD DAVIS (Age 70+) The next door neighbor to Mrs. Stancliffe's Rose Cottage Bed & Breakfast. He is weak, frail looking (the frailer the better), and appears at first glance to have 'one foot in the grave.' However, over the years, he has become renowned among the female guests as "Bud the Stud." He claims responsibility for the success of the bed & breakfast, believing all the females return year after year to see him. He enchants all of them with his silver tongue and sexual prowess. (Very elderly, somewhat infirm, chauvinistic, brazen, but likeable)
MRS. STANCLIFFE (Age 60+) The owner of Rose Cottage Bed & Breakfast. She is a severe woman both in dress and manner. Precise in speech and punctuality, she gives the impression of efficiency and comptetence. She is intolerant of Bud's 'Hanky-Panky', with her guests, but reluctantly has to agree he is good for business. Pursued by her next-door neighbor Henry, she refuses to let him into her life, until surprising events finally bring them together. (Sensible, practical, punctual, business like, menopausal, finally radiant and senuous)
HENRY MITCHELL (Age 60+) A retired chemist and Mrs. Stancliffe's 'Gentleman Caller.' He is a mild mannered man who has proposed to Mrs. Stancliffe every afternoon for twenty years. He is always the perfect gentleman, and shows a great deal of respect for all the women around him. He has developed Venusia, a pill to increase the libido in menopausal women, but refuses to test it on moral grounds. Bud calls him 'A stick in the mud', and he probably is, but eventually comes out of his shell. (Gentle, caring, thoughtful, loveable)
VICTORIA AMBROSE (Age 50+) Victoria is a renowned author who writes steamy romantic novels. She pines for romance in her personal life, but finds none. Flattered at first by Bud's attentions, she later sees him as the shallow, insincere 'Casanova' the he really is and readily joins the plot to turn "Bud the Stud" into "Bud the Dud." (Pretty, serious, intelligent, menopausal)
HILLARY HUDSON (Age 50+) Hillary is beautiful, well educated, articulate and sophisticated in both manner and dress. She is an old friend and co-worker of Henry's who agrees to test the Venusia pills. Initially skeptical of Bud's attentions, she gradually warms towards him, but is it the Venusia or Bud's charms? (Elegant, charming, best described a 'A touch of class', intelligent and menopausal)
CHARMAINE BEAUREGARD (Age 50+) Charmaine is the quintessential southern belle. She is definitely here at Rose Cottage for "Bud the Stud." Of all people, she does not need Venusia, as her entire life seems to be run by her overactive libido. However, she is a pround woman who will not be two-timed by Bud, and becomes the leading light in the plot to tame him. (Voluptuous, out-going, gushing, demonstrative, southern accent, menopausal)
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