Adapted from "Never Kiss a Naughty Nanny" by Michael Parker

Wishing you a Very

Merry "Naughty but Nice" Christmas filled with laughter !

Mike & Sue

                                                            The House

Don't let the house of the future scare you away...there are some very simple ways to make it work in the author's notes.

 

Mr. Broadbent, a developer and builder has created “THE HOUSE OF THE FUTURE”. He has filled it with gadgets such as: self cleaning bathrooms, central trash disposal, automatic closets, hidden telephones and his masterpiece “the ion chamber”. The house, however, has remained unsold for four years, probably because, as we see during the course of the play, most of the innovations of the future fail to work properly. He has, at last found a couple, Fred & Gladys McNicoll, who seem very interested, and he is determined to make a sale.

 

                                                              The Plan

 

It is Christmas Eve and he has invited the McNicolls to spend the night in the house, in hopes that the "Spirit of the season," will help persuade them to buy the house.   In order to hide the fact that it has been empty for four years, he bribes one of his salesmen, Ben Adams, and his secretary Casey Cody, to pose as husband and wife. They have supposedly been renting the house. They are to extol its virtues and explain how everything works. He is pulling out all the stops. The fridge is full of expensive wine and he has hired a recent graduate of the local culinary institute, Sue Johnson, to prepare a gourmet meal. Unknown to the McNicolls, he even has one of his maintenance men, Ed Cott in the house to make running repairs should any of the gadgets go wrong. He thinks he has all the bases covered!

 

                                                                                           The Problems

 

It should be a "Miracle on 34th Street" fairy tale, but this is a Parker farce. You know everything is going to go wrong, including the gadgets. Sue turns out to be the biggest klutz in the known universe. Mrs. McNicoll is the quintessential old battleaxe, dominating her poor hen-pecked husband Fred. Unfortunately, there is an unexpected guest, Mr. Brooks, who turns out to be Casey's future father-in-law. Now, Sue and Casey have to take turns being either married to Ben or being the chef. Three guys need to share one pair of pants and Sue has to give up her skirt to help out. After nearly being discovered,the maintenance man must spend the rest of the play being "Nanny Turcotte" and defending "her" honor from "Mr. Brooks" advances.   

The Solution?

Will hen-pecked Fred and overbearing Gladys sign the contract, or will the Christmas Eve shenanigans ruin Broadbent's dream of off-loading this huge "White Elephant?" What we can tell you is that the surprise ending of this "Naughty but Nice" Christmas play will have you ho-ho-hoing till the very end!

                                                                                       

                                                                                        SAMPLE DIALOGUE

 

Poor Ben! He Never Seems To Be "With the Program"

 

 

BEN.      This isn't the 'Night before Christmas', it's the nightmare before Christmas.

CASEY.  Have a little faith Ben.

BEN.      I had a little faith when I only had to be married to you. Now I've got two wives, two children and one ugly Nanny.                   One of my wives has her fiancé's father here, the other is running around half-naked, Godzilla makes "The Grinch                 look good, Pussy-cat is about to drown and Cott says he's about to die, andall you can say is "Have a little faith?"                 Oh, and did I mention that lover-boy Brooks seems to be a sex-maniac who has taken a fancy to Nanny Turcotte.

 

 

                                           Sensible, Positive and Quick Thinking, It's  Casey to the Rescue

                                                

 

                                         (Gladys hears Casey call him MISTER COTT. She demands to know who Mr. Cott is. Casey,                                                         realizing the game is up if they know there is a maintenance man in the house.)

 

 

CASEY.     He’s – er – er –There is no Mr. Cott.

GLADYS.  I distinctly heard you say Mr. Cott.

CASEY.     No – no. I said - er - er - Miss - er - ter -Cott. Yes, that’s it, Miss Turcotte.

GLADYS.  Miss Turcotte? Who’s she? What’s she doing here?

CASEY.     Er - er- she’s the children’s nanny. Yes, that’s it, she’s the nanny.

                                                                                  (Later in the play)

CASEY.      I must say, dinner went rather well, don't you think?

BEN.          How the dragon lady hasn't figured out what's going on beats me.

CASEY.      I must admit there were one or two difficult moments, but it seemed to work. Sue and I kept alternating in the                          kitchen, and you never referred to anyone by name, just kept talking about your wife and the chef, so they never                    knew who was who.

BEN.          It's all going to go wrong you know.

CASEY.     Think positively Ben, we're okay so far. Even Fred didn't seem too upset about getting locked in the self cleaning                    bathroom.

BEN.          How does he stand that woman?

CASEY.     Who knows?

BEN.          She makes Ebenezer Scrooge look warm and cuddly. 

                              Then there's Dear Sweet Sue with her Delightful Sense of Humor

 

SUE.         If you don't mind my asking, why have you taken your pants off?

BEN.         I haven't taken them off, well I have - what I mean is that infernal trash disposal unit swallowed them. What are                       you laughing at?

SUE.         Your legs.

BEN.         What's wrong with my legs?

SUE.         Oh nothing I suppose, as long as you're living on the planet of the chickens.

 

                (Sue enters from the kitchen minus her skirt and now wearing a very short bartender type Christmas apron

                  which covers her front, but reveals lacy underwear in the rear.)  

 

SUE.         Listen you guys, they're on their way. I'm going to need the big apron back.

BEN.         What am I going to wear?

SUE.          I  don't know, but I can't keep going like this. I had to walk out of the dining room backwards, I mean look at me.   CASEY.     Well, maybe we could accessorize it a bit.

SUE.          With what? A lamp post and a public defender?      

 

                       

 

 

                         Meet Gladys McNicoll and Her Long Suffering Husband Fred

                                   Affectionately Referred to As: Godzilla and Pussy-Cat

                              (Gladys and Fred are being introduced to the automatic closet of the future.) 

 

GLADYS.   Isn't that wonderful. What do you think of that Fred?

FRED.        Well actually....

GLADYS.   Don't just stand there, take my coat.

FRED.        Yes dear.

GLADYS.   Though I don't really need an automatic closet.

CASEY.      Why not?

GLADYS.   Well, I've got Fred, haven't I dear?

FRED.        Haven't I what?

GLADYS.   Do pay attention Fred.

FRED.        (Heading to bedroom 2.)  Yes my little piranha fish.

SUE.           You know, if she was my relative, I'd follow Santa's lead.

BEN.           What's that?

SUE.           Only visit once a year.

                                            But Even Gladys and Fred Have Their Lighter Moments

GLADYS.   (Her mouth in constant motion.) Where's that Adams fellow? I told him I wanted to talk to him. Why isn't he here?                      (Fred opens his mouth to say something, but never gets a word out.) And another thing all these gadgets, do we                            really need  them? How would some of our antiques fit in with all this modern stuff. What about my mother's                          family teapot? You remember my mother's teapot don't you Fred?

FRED.        You mean the one that originally belonged to a civil war general, was stolen by a carpet bagger, lost for two                            generations, then found by your great-uncle's mistress, who bequeathed it to your grandmother?

GLADYS.   No, not that one.

 

                           Then there's Eddie Cott (AKA Nanny Turcotte) and His Ailments

                                        (Reacts to Casey's suggestion that he test the ion chamber out himself.)

 

COTT.         You've got to be kidding. I've got this irregular heartbeat, an embolism, chronic colitis and two double hernias.

BEN.           Are you sure there's nothing else wrong with you?

CASEY.       I don't think we should go down that road.

COTT.          As a matter of fact....

CASEY.       Down the road we go!

COTT.          Just for your information young man, I happen to be in a very delicate condition because of a hereditary

                     arterial blockage which affects my inner ear, and any sudden movement could trigger uncontrollable

                     convulsions starting in my legs and spreading rapidly to the rest of my body. I'm not going in that contraption.

                                       

                                                 Let's Not Forget Casanova Brooks

                                                                     (Cott, now dressed as Nanny Turcotte)

BROOKS.    Why don’t you call me Walter. You see I’ve been divorced for a number of years, but when I saw you I felt this

                     stirring  inside me.

COTT.           Stirring?

BROOKS.     Oh yes! (He slowly puts his hand on Cott’s knee)

COTT.           (Leaps up and backs away right) Mr. Brooks you naughty boy. Just keep your hands to yourself. I’m not that                           sort of girl.

BROOKS.     (Stands and follows him right.) And just what sort of girl are you Nanny?

COTT.           You’d be surprised.

BROOKS.     Oh, I like surprises.

COTT.           You wouldn’t like this one.

BROOKS.     (Still advancing) I’ve always had this thing for nannies.

COTT.           Yes, well, this nanny doesn’t have a thing for you.

BROOKS.     Come now nanny, there’s romance and excitement in the air. Can’t you feel it?

COTT.           No, and you’re not going to feel it either.

 

BROOKS.     I'm going to find you Nanny, with your pretty, pretty feet, and then I'm going to dance my way right into your

                      heart.

COTT.           If you get close enough to my pretty, pretty feet, one swift kick in the "You know whats" and the only dance

                     you'll be doing will be the Nutcracker.

BROOKS.     Where are you Nanny?  Santa may not like it if you're naughty, but I will.

GLADYS.      Mr Brooks, control yourself!  NO SEX PLEASE, IT'S CHRISTMAS!

 

                  

Manuscripts are now available at Samuel French, Inc. as well as a free 25 page perusal introduction.

 

  

BEN (Age 25+) A real estate salesman employed by Mr. Broadbent. He is young, naive, and easily persuaded by Mr. Broadbent to pose as someone who has been living in "the House of the Future" for four years. After 'The Closet of the Future' has hauled him inside, and the central trash disposal system has swallowed his pants, he comments, "I think this house has something against me personally." It certainly appears that way, as one disaster after another follows poor Ben. (Likeable, always confused and in trouble, but honest and sincere)

 

MR. BROADBENT (Age 50+) Very much a self-made man. He has fought his way up from a construction worker, to site foreman, and now owns his own home building business. His "House of the Future", hoever, has remained unsold for four years, probably because all the gadgets of the future fail to work properly. A brief role, which can be doubled with either Cott or Brooks. (Blunt, rough around the edges)

 

CASEY CODY(Age 25+) Mr. Broadbent's secretary, who has been bribed by him to play the role of Ben's wife in the "House of the Future." She is very much the 'take charge' type. Her quick thinking saves the day on numerous occasions as she maneuvers the other characters through one disaster after another. (Competent, resourceful, quick-thinking, with a wonderful sense of humor)

 

SUE JOHNSON (Age 25+) A recent graduate of the local culinary institue hired by Mr. Broadbent to cook for Mr. and Mrs. McNicoll. We are left to wonder how she graduated from anything. She is a walking, breathing, living disaster area. She drops everything, she breaks everything, she trips over everything, she gets tangled up in everything. A charming comedic character, who spends almost the entire play without her skirt. (Loveable, laughable, endearing)

 

MR. COTT (Age 40+) The central character in the play, and he of course, is Nanny. He is Mr. Broadbent's maintenance man, on hand in "The House of the Future" to make running repairs on all the gadgets. He is a comedic character, who is the world's most complete hypochondriac.You name it - he's got it! Of course the McNicoll's are not supposed to know there is a maintenance man in the house. When Mrs. McNicoll hears Casey refer to Mr. Cott, Casey quickly recovers by saying she referred to Miss Turcott, the children's nanny. SO...he spends the rest of the play as Nanny Turcott, defending his honor against the amorous advances of Mr. Brooks. (Down to earth, gruff, but very, very funny)

 

GLADYS McNICOLL (Age 50+) The perspective buyer of "The House of the Future". She totally dominates her poor hen-pecked husband, and indeed all those around her. She is a thoroughly distasteful unlikeable woman with few, if any, redeeming qualities. (Loud, aggressive, overbearing)

 

FRED McNICOLL (Age 50+) The poor hen-pecked husband of Gladys. He is rarely allowed to have a thought of his own, finish a sentence, or do anything without being critized by Gladys. Audiences, however, sympathize with him and rejoice when he has his 'moment in the sun', and turns the table on Gladys at the very end of the play.  (Meek, mild, good-natured, and finally in control)

 

WALTER BROOKS (Age50+) A surprise visitor whose car has got stuck in a snowdrift, and who has to spend the night in the house. He develops an almost insane infactuation for Nanny, and will not be discouraged. His relentless pursuit of Nanny lands him in many of the physical comedic sequences.  (Bull headed, single minded, not very likable.)

 

NO SEX PLEASE - IT'S CHRISTMAS

"SOLD OUT HIT COMEDY - No Sex Please It's Christmas. What an opening night audience! Thank you for laughing out loud at the craziest cast to hit a GPLT stage in a long time!! This is the hottest comedy of the season!"

Grande Prairie Live Theatre, Grand Prairie, Alberta, Canada

 

 

 

(Reviews following are from the play Never Kiss a Naughty Nanny from which this has been adapted)

"In this play, technology that doesn't work is just plain fun. Two hours of enjoyment and laughter."

The Seminole Beacon, Tampa

 

 

"This play has been raved by many as the best yet!

The Deep South Star, Saskatchewan

 

 

 

"I was laughing so much I could barely hold the camera still."

WVTV Fox 13, Tampa-St. Petersberg

 

"Its many twists and turns make this play a classic farce, which is sure to bring a smile."

The Citizen, Clearwater

 

 

"Non stop laughter from start to finish."

The Radville Star, Canada

 

 

 

"Things unravel at breakneck pace as one propsterous incident leads to the next."

 

"There is never a lull in the comedic commotion."

 

"Parker has developed a most memorable character in Mr. Cott -

The kind of role actors surely dream of landing."

Curtain Call, Tampa Bay

 

 

 

© 2014 By Michael & Susan Parker Playwright