Plays produced by special arrangement with Samuel French, Inc.
The Crime
The late Mr. Hammond spent twenty years printing $20 bills on a printing press he built in the basement of Monet Manor. After his death ten years ago, his faithful retainer (Who just happens to be a hypochondriac) George and his daughter Annie (Who never understands her Dad's countless jokes), continued the family business for Mr. Hammond’s widow who recently passed away. Contrary to her promise to leave the manor and all her assets to George and Annie, she has bequeathed the manor to a stranger, Mr. Bud Davis.
The Problem
George and Annie offer to buy the manor from him, but he is emphatic about turning it into a retirement home for ladies. Determined to keep the manor, Annie invites an old friend and sorority sister, Charmaine Beauregard (*A Southern gal from the play, Sex Please We're Sixty), to play the role of a ghost, to help convince Bud that the manor is unsuitable for a retirement home because it is haunted.
GEORGE. This bookshelf is on a swivel in the middle and when you're the ghost, this is where you're going to
disappear. Annie says, if the lights are right, it will look like you went straight through the wall. By the way,
the other side of the bookshelf is the closet in your room.
CHARMAINE. Well bless my stars and garters, you can come through my wall anytime Georgie. Why don't you show
me how it works.
(GEORGE opens the bookcase.)
CHARMAINE. Where do I go?
GEORGE. Follow me, I'll show you. (He goes in the right side of the bookcase. CHARMAINE follows. There is a loud off
stage "Whoooooo" from GEORGE, who then appears on the left side of the bookcase with CHARMAINE'S hands
firmly grabbing his derierre.)
ANNIE. (Enters from the kitchen with a tray of sandwiches and a pot of coffee and mugs, just in time to see GEORGE enter
and disappear back into the right side of the bookcase the second time.) Oh, good, Dad....(She watches as they go
around with CHARMAINE still attached to GEORGE'S derierre...GEORGE continues his "Whooooo noises.") you're
showing Charmaine the bookshelf. (They reappear.) Dad?.....(She watches as they go around a third time. She
quickly puts the tray down on the end table, and runs up the stairs to the bookcase. As they reappear she grabs
GEORGE by the arm and pulls him forward, followed by CHARMAINE.) What's going on here?
CHARMAINE. (Quickly lets go of George's derriere.) It was dark in there, I was just feeling my way around.
ANNIE. Feeling your way around? Dad?
GEORGE. Er..er..
CHARMAINE. Georgie was going too fast and I got a little behind. (Starts to giggle.)
ANNIE. A little behind? Dad?
GEORGE. Well, it was definitely a hands-on experience.
To authenticate the evening, Annie invites her neighbor, Marilena, Contesa de Buzau de Severin, a self-styled psychic from Transylvania, (George calls her “The Romanian Fruitcake",) to hold a séance later that evening.
The Chaos
Bud arrives with his architectural adviser, Bernard Oppenheimer, a man very much interested in making money. Charmaine isn't surprised when Bud Davis turns out to be, ‘Bud the Stud”(*Yes, the very same character from Sex Please We're Sixty) a geriatric chick chaser and an old flame of hers.
ANNIE. He's never been here. I guess she met him on one of her trips. It was really strange though, because in the
will she referred to him as her Budly, Studly, Do-Right.
CHARMAINE. (Leaps to her fee and in a slow, loud deliberate voice.) Oh, my dear Lord, I think I know him.
ANNIE & GEORGE. WHAT?
CHARMAINE. It's Bud the stud.
ANNIE & GEORGE. Bud the stud?
CHARMAINE. Bud the stud.
ANNIE. How do you know him?
CHARMAINE. It was a few years ago, I too succumbed to his charms while on vacation.
ANNIE. Now Charmaine, be honest, who was chasing who?
CHARMAINE. Well, perhaps it was a little bit of both, but when I found out he was chasing after two other women, at
the same time, in the same house, well....
ANNIE. (Laughing.) That seems a bit much, even for you.
CHARMAINE. Bud was behaving like a rooster on a hen house roof.
GEORGE. But why would he want to turn this manor into a retirement home for women?
CHARMAINE. Oh my Granny's garters, that's it! (Pauses.) Why, that little weasel is trying to create his own personal
harem. Give him a chance, he'll be busier than a one legged man in a butt kicking contest.
True to form, Bud, immediately tries to put a move on all three women. Charmaine, (Who’s libido never stops working.) puts a move on George, while Marilena almost falls for Bud's charms. The action in and out of the bedroom reaches a frenetic pace sure to leave audiences laughing. During the séance, organized by Marilena, Bud tries to handcuff the ghost creating a chaotic situation during which, to everyone's surprise, a second ghost, appears and disappears.
The Betrayal
Bernard eventually discovers the printing press and insists on becoming George and Annie's partner. He then attempts to steal a large sum of freshly laundered money which they intended to use to buy Monet Manor. George, Annie and Charmaine hatch a plot to expose him, and, in the end they do. It turns out he is a wanted man, on the run, and they send him running!
The Denouement
Bud, after accidentally and repeatedly being “crotched” by Marilena, decides he is just too old to continue chasing chicks, and intends to settle down.
MARILENA. Imi pare rau, iarta va rog. (In Romanian - I'm sorry, forgive me please.)
BUD. What are you saying? Are you casting a spell on me?
MARILENA. No, please, listen to me. The first time I uh...you know...came across your gentleman's department was
deliberate, the second time was accidental. I want you...
BUD. To stay away from my gentleman's department.
CHARMAINE. Oh Bud, I'm so proud of you. (To Marilena) You, you should be ashamed of yourself chasing after my
Budly Studly. Why he's a pillar of virtue.
BUD. I am?
CHARMAINE. Tell her you're a new man.
BUD. I'm a new man.
MARILENA. That is good to hear. All I wanted to do was apologize for earlier. It appears the spirits have forgiven and
I must too.
BUD. Fine, but just keep that thing (Points at the umbrella) away from me.
MARILENA. (Floats around waving the umbrella) The vibrations are strong. Speak to me spirits, let me enter your world.
BUD. I wish you would.
The End?
Charmaine sees this as an opportunity to to try to make the leopard change his spots (Good luck with that one Charmaine!) George and Marilena continue their budding romance, and Annie, finally discovers that she does have a sense of humor after all.
The second ghost?… This is a Parker play, so, to discover the twist at the end, you'll have to read the entire script!
CHARACTERS
GEORGE (Age 50+) A kind, good natured soul who has worked almost twenty years for the owners of Monet Manor, Mr. Hammond, who passed away ten years ago and his widow who passed away two weeks ago. He works in the basement printing twenty dollar bills on and old press built many years ago by Mr. Hammond. He is a gentle person, who is, perhaps, influenced too much by his daughter Annie. He probably has never thought much about the fact that he breaks the law every day of his life, but feels he is not doing anyone any harm. He is a total hypochondriac, with every ailment imaginable, (and some unimaginable). At first, flattered by Charmaine’s attentions (His daughter’s friend), he begins to realize that he is attracted to their neighbor Marilena, which eventually evolves into a tender love story. (Caring, thoughtful, always the gentleman.)
ANNIE (Age 30+) George’s daughter. A take charge type, who is probably responsible for the fact that they have got away with their counterfeiting year after year, by rigidly following the credo of Mr. Hammond. She is totally lacking in any sense of humor, but continues to listen patiently to George’s jokes, which she never understands. When the manor is unexpectedly bequeathed to a stranger, Bud Davis, she cooks up a plot to persuade him to sell the manor to her and George. When things begin to fall apart, it is Annie who keeps her cool and finds a way out of their predicament. (Competent, resourceful, quick thinking.)
MARILENA. (Age 50+) The neighbor of George and Annie, Marilena is a self-professed psychic. She is The Contesa de Buzau de Severin from Transylvania, but George refers to her as “The Romanian Fruitcake”. She speaks with an accent and occasionally uses Romanian phrases. Her flamboyant personality shines through in manner, dress and movement. She speaks to spirits, and feels the presence of “money” when visiting George and Annie. She is overwhelmed by the attention given to her by “Bud the Stud” Davis, but can she deny her feelings for George? (Flamboyant, mysterious, eccentric.)
CHARMAINE. (Age 30+) An old college friend and sorority sister of Annie’s, she is the quintessential Southern Belle. Beautiful and voluptuous, with an over active libido, on principle she puts a move on all men. She has been invited to Monet Manor by Annie to play the role of a ghost, in order to convince Mr. Davis the house is haunted. She quickly realizes that she knows who Davis is, and admits that she had an affair with him years before, and dumped him because he was two-timing her. She embraces her role, eager to help her friend and to thwart the plans of Davis. (Out going, gushing, demonstrative.)
BUD DAVIS. (Age 60+) The current owner of Monet Manor, which was bequeathed to him by Mrs. Hammond, a former paramour. He has little interest in Annie and George’s proposal to purchase the manor from him, and never really believes that it is “haunted.” Bud’s intention for the Manor is to convert it into a retirement home for women, which will only further his hobby, sex. Bud sees himself as a geriatric sex machine, who is more interested in his next conquest then the cash Annie and George are prepared to offer him. (Slight and frail, charismatic, brazen but likeable.)
BERNARD. (Age 30+) A freelance property appraiser and design consultant hired by Bud to do a cost analysis on the feasibility of turning the Manor into a retirement home for women. He appears to be very motivated by money and making deals. He is never far from his cell phone and becomes very secretive at times. When he discovers the printing press, he forces George and Annie into a deal. At first there appears little they can do to protect themselves from his evil intentions, but in the end, with Charmaine’s help, the tables are turned on him. (Mercenary, self-involved, unscrupulous.)
It's only been a year....but look what people are saying!
REVIEWS
"In my mind, laughter is one of the best medicines. It was very hard to get through some of the rehearsals without laughing."
John Vannest / Director World Premeire Boone County Players, Il February 2105
"The play was a delight from start to finish, garnering continued laughs from the audience throughout......
It features twists and turns, which elicited multiple gasps from audience members, who played along eagerly with the show's silly antics and jokes....
Playgoers seemed to thoroughly enjoy the hilarious characters of Charmaine Beauregard and Bud Davis in particular, as each humorous line they delivered was greeted with loud laughter and applause."
The Brock Press Thorold Community Theatre November 2015
FACE BOOK COMMENTS
5 star
"To the cast and crew of "money Matters" excellent job! I really enjoyed myself, and forgot about life for awhile. That's how it should be. Thanks,"
Lee (Thorold Community Theatre Patron)
"We are tickled to announce that we had another SOLD out show last night!"
"If the laughs from the audience were any indication of how the show went - the Cast & Crew ROCKED this farce."
"BAZINGA! Sunday's Matinee saw the house packed to the rafters!!!"
Thorold Community Theatre
"MONEY MATTERS is hilarious with perfect casting. Another interesting, well dressed set with a hidden bookcase wall by Matt Q. This is a fun show with lots of laughs and strange situations, including haunting by ghosts. Great timing in this sexy romantic comedy. It provides a truly entertaining evening."
Jane (Lakewood Theatre Patron)
"Wonderful show! Don't miss it!"
Lakewood Theatre, ME June 2016
