TAKE ORDINARY CIRCUMSTANCES

 

Joan Scheller, a middle aged widow, lives with her partner Sandy. He used to be her gardener, but some years after her husband's death, became the 'new love of her life.' They live in a quiet suburban neighborhood, and nothing exciting seems to happen in their life...UNTIL TODAY!   Quiet becomes chaos when Vinny the Enforcer, a quintessential Italian mobster, shows up. He has it on good authority that Joan's son, Chris, who is in debt to the mob, will be showing up for his Mom's birthday. Although Joan claims she hasn't seen him for years, Vinny insists on staying and searching for him. Her flighty new neighbor, Rachael, keeps popping in and out without invitation. To top it off, Joan's sister-in-law, the overbearing and moralizing Olivia St. Claire, a former movie star, is arriving for a visit today.

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                                                                                    “The MALAPROPISM’S”

JOAN. Doctor Gardener is a psychiatrist.

RACHAEL. Really? I once had a psychiatric evacuation.

SANDY. Let’s hope not.

—————————————

RACHAEL. So, what’s wrong with me?

SANDY. There’s nothing wrong with you, you’re just one of those incredible people who are able to bounce back                                     from disaster.

RACHAEL. Really? Do you think so? Then I’m not just incontinent?

SANDY. Let’s hope not.

—————————————

RACHAEL. Are you Olivia St. Claire, the movie star?

OLIVIA. Well, yes.

RACHAEL. Oh-oh-oh. I'm an actress too.

OLIVIA. Really?

RACHAEL. Yes, In high school I was in the end of the year play and got a standing ovulation.

SANDY. Really?

RACHAEL. Yes, it was my first one ever.

OLIVIA. The mind boggles!

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ADD SOME LIES

 

Joan, not yet willing to tell Olivia about her relationship with Sandy, persuades him to simply pose as her gardener. Unfortunately Olivia, arriving early, almost catches them in a compromising position, and demands to know what Joan is doing on the couch, and who Sandy is. The ever resourceful Joan then explains that he is her psychiatrist and introduces him as (who else?), Dr. Gardener!  Little does she realize that soon everyone will be wanting a session with 'The Doctor'. It doesn't take long before Olivia runs into Vinny the Enforcer. To hide the reason he's really there, Joan introduces him as her security guard. Chris does show up, and Joan tries to protect her son from having his knee caps broken by convincing him to wear a dress and become her daughter, Christina. After introducing Christina to Vinny, Joan now has to make sure that Olivia never sees Christ in a dress. To add to the confusion, Rachael, whose life's story goes from one unmitigated calamity to another, renders Vinny unconscious in more ways than imaginable.

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                                                                                        “THE LIES”

VINNY. How can you not know you had a daughter? That sounds awful suspicious to me.

SANDY. I’m sure Joan has a perfectly good explanation, don’t you dear.

JOAN.Well of course I do. You see Vinny-

SANDY. Here comes another one!

JOAN. Years ago, before I married, I met Doctor Gardener while he was a student in med school. I was young and hopelessly

            in love. One thing led to another and well, I got pregnant. I didn’t want to ruin his life so I left him and gave up our little             girl for adoption. It was only recently that Christina tracked me down.

SANDY. I have a daughter?

CHRIS. (Dressed as Christina.) Hello Daddy.

VINNY. Ah Doc, this is a beautiful moment, ain’t you gonna hug her?

 

CREATE A DILEMMA

 

Has Joan created a monster? The "Doctor Is In" and there is definitely plenty of laughter during his "sessions". Olivia wants to discuss her love life, Vinny wants to discuss his profession as an Enforcer, and Rachael wants to know why she's a disaster area. Hilarity ensues as Sandy is forced to listen, and a times, give misguided advice, which, to everyone's surprise, seems to work.

 

                                                                          “The DOUBLE ENTENDRE”

OLIVIA. (Not heard by Sandy.) What I want to discuss is my sex life.

SANDY. (Pokes his head up from behind the bar.) Hold on a sec, can’t find a pencil. (Ducks down behind the bar.)

OLIVIA. Yes, I definitely need some help with my sex life these days. I need to spice up my autobiography.

SANDY. (Moves downstage.) Okay, I’m ready to take notes. So, what’s your problem?

OLIVIA. I’m not as active as I used to be.

SANDY. Now that is something I can help you with.

OLIVIA. You can?

SANDY. Of course. Have you thought about joining a club?

OLIVIA. There are clubs?

SANDY. Certainly, I belong to one myself.

OLIVIA. You do?

SANDY. To start you’ll want to hire a personal instructor to get back into the swing of things.

OLIVIA. A personal instructor?

SANDY. It was the best thing I ever did.

OLIVIA. Really?

SANDY. Oh yes, they’re very knowledgable and they give you a lot of hands on help?

OLIVIA. Hands on help?

SANDY. Well some of the equipment is a little tricky at first.

OLIVIA. Equipment?

SANDY. Once you get going, they even have group classes.

OLIVIA. Group classes?

SANDY. They've got beginners all the way up to advanced.

OLIVIA. Advanced?

SANDY. I don’t like to brag, but I am part of the advanced group. I’m sure it wouldn’t take you long before you were joining us.

OLIVIA. Join you? I don’t think I could do that.

SANDY. Of course you could. It’s much more fun in a group. As a matter of fact, I’d be happy to introduce you if you’d like to                 come and meet them all.

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AND LOVE?

 

Well there's Joan and Sandy if they can survive her "little white lies." Then there's Rachael, who is strongly attracted to Chris (Who turns out to be an undercover agent for the FBI.) It's a good thing, as he needs all his survival skills to date Rachael. And finally, there's Olivia, who hires Vinny away from the mob to be her personal security guard. (With benefits?)

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                                                                                 BUT....

 

                         This is a Parker play, so expect hilarious twists and turns before it all ends!